My Little Lilly Pads

And so this is the reason...

On Thursday we lost Lilly. I can not explain how utterly devastated I feel and so I write. I write to try to figure things out in my head. To make sense of it all and to somehow, attempt to ease this pain.

My beautiful cat is gone and I can not stopping thinking about her and how much I loved her and now miss her. I can not remember my life without her. She made our house a home and as soon as we got her home she brought calmness to the entire house. On Saturdays, I would get up, have my coffee and watch a bit of morning TV, she would be there by my side, keeping me company – following me around the house from room to room. She brought such joy to my life, her unconditional love and companionship was invaluable to me especially during times when I felt lonely, upset or homesick. Often I would write at the computer, upstairs in the study. The low seated window looked out over our garden and onto the hills of Gloucestershire. She would curl up on the cushions in the window, she would always choose the one closest to the desk and she would sleep as I typed. I felt content as I sat there – me writing with Lilly and the beautiful view. There were other times, when she would sit on my lap as I typed, meaning I had to stretch my arms to reach the keys. Or she would sit in the gap in the desk under the monitor, as if she was in a little cave keeping watch. On several occasions, when she wanted attention, she would simply walk over the keys of the keyboard, typing her own little cat message.

One Sunday we let her out for the first time. I will never forget watching her step out onto the window ledge, tentatively at first but gaining confidence and swagger as she trotted up the alley towards the garden. As soon as she was out of sight I ran to the second floor window and watched her climb the steps to the garden as she ventured further through bushes and tall grass, I ran up to the third floor – the top of the house - to catch a glimpse of her little white bottom disappearing into the neighbour’s garden. I remember a mix of emotions – I loved seeing her ‘being a real cat’ out in the wilderness of the gardens but I wondered if I would see her again. Would she remember her way home? For 5 hours I waited, calling her back. I even searched on the internet bout how to get your cat back after letting them out for the first time, just in case! She did return, as bold as brass, completely oblivious to the stress and worry she had caused me but I told her I forgave her and praised her for being such a clever cat for remembering her way home. I remember cuddling her so much that night, just so grateful to have her back.

Lilly became a very independent cat, coming in and going out when she pleased, never hassling you for anything. I loved her even more for this and I always thought that if I was a cat I’d want to be just like her. On a couple of occasions Lilly did not come home at night and I would make up little stories to explain her whereabouts, for example that she’d been having an affair with the local ginger cat or been to the cat nightclub. However once morning she retuned and I picked her up for our usual cuddle. I always used to nuzzle my nose into her fur, I loved her catty smell, which was usually of warm musty grass - and probably a few flees! This one time though I noticed a faint smell of bacon and perfume. I asked her if she had cheated on me – I couldn’t believe it, she had clearly been into someone else’s house, eaten bacon sandwiches and got cuddles from another woman...I was jealous. I think the affair ended as she never smelt like that again and actually most nights she would spend sleeping at the bottom of our bed.

If Lilly was a human baby she would have been perfect. She would usually come up to bed about 10 minutes after I did. First she would eat her dinner and then I would hear her push the bedroom door open and then feel her weight on the bottom of the bed. She would curl up by my legs – meaning that I often spent the night sleeping with my legs apart so I didn’t wake her up. In the morning, at about 6.30am, I would wake up. She would notice that I was awake and give me a good morning kiss and follow me loyally to the bathroom. There she would sit patiently by the door for me to come out and then follow me downstairs, in twinned in my legs, where she would ask for breakfast. She would eat her breakfast and either go back upstairs to continue sleeping in my warm patch or go outside for a morning play. This was our routine. Everyday.

As I write I remember so many memories and realise this is why I feel so empty. In her short life she proved to be so amazing. I feel so guilty that her life wasn’t longer for her to enjoy life. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there to protect her from that road. I feel guilty that I tried to give her the best life and it had to end in such a horrific way. I hope she knows that she was and is loved. I love her for being my friend, for being there when no-one else was, for keeping me company when I was alone in the house, for loving me unconditionally, for sleeping next to me every night, for cuddling me when the house was empty and I was scared, for making me laugh and smile, but most of all, I love Lilly for simply being Lilly.

I’m sorry x